Dear Friends,
Since the beginning of May, I have been to nine
funerals. Some of the lives the gathered
community held up to God in thanks and with sadness were older people, some had
died suddenly of heart attacks, one woman had committed suicide, others died after a short, dramatic illness. In each case, the funeral was done
with great dignity and care by the presider, readers, homilist, musicians and
leaders of prayer. The deceased, as a child of God, deserved the best the
community could offer.
Wakes, vigil
services and funerals are times to help console the ones left behind. Some
people today choose cremation and no wake or wake service. The deceased have a
right to that choice. The other side of that choice which people may want to
consider is no wake with a body in the coffin denies family, friends, coworkers
one last treasured glimpse of the loved one. When the deceased him/herself says
“no wake” it, deprives the family of meeting people – strangers -- whom the
deceased knew in life. What will you do? It’s current in our society to want
to multiply words of remembrance (a.k.a. eulogies) at some point in the liturgy.
In that setting, it’s often too much. These stories and remembrances can best
be told at leisure at the wake, burial site or at the meal afterwards. Let the
liturgy stand alone as the lighted
Paschal Candle stands alone, or have one speaker to say "My father was a man of
faith and this moment is important in his life. Please come to the burial or
meal, so we can continue to celebrate with the kind of remembrance and social festivity
he would have liked." What will you do?
In addition
to being at funerals and wakes, twice, during the last month, two people asked
me to help them put together the details for their funeral liturgies. These
people wanted what they wanted. Both of them, married with adult children, knew
that, left on their own, their children might make other choices. The details
of our funerals are our last choices in life. It’s important that we honor our
loved ones, attending to the desires that arise from their strong faith and
important relationships.
How old are
you, anyway? Have you ever thought about your own funeral – what you would like
for readings or songs? You may say you are too young for such thoughts and want
to put them off for as long as possible, hoping at the same time to put off
their realization as long as possible. But these thoughts are not death-wishes.
They are valuable insights into your own life, and its meaning for yourself and
others. Revisions ahead can be many, but for now think of what you will do.
The next
time you go to a funeral, dress up in honor of the deceased. During the
service, don’t daydream. Listen carefully to the words. Take in the gestures of
the ritual. Watch to see the reverence with which the coffin/cremains are
treated. Would this be a funeral you would like for yourself?
~ Sister Joan Sobala
