Dear Friends,
Both personally and on the news, I have listened to people
lament loved ones who have died alone – without being there to hold their loved
one’s hand, to whisper words of love. Many of these stories had to do with COVID-19
patients suffering their last hours in ICU. Even though nurses and doctors did
all they could to be present to the dying, it wasn’t the same. I’ve listened to
others whose loved one died alone when they took their own life in suicide. Survivors
are bereft, feel cheated, abandoned.
Father Ron Rolheiser describes us when our loved one dies in
these ways. He uses the word “helpless.” We can do nothing for them or for
ourselves in the face of such irreversible loss.
Sometimes we are incapable of uttering any words. Sometimes
we wail, or keep repeating the story of our loved one’s last day to the extent
that we know it. The empty place at the table on the next holiday looms large
before us, even though the event may be months away. Helplessness prevails.
Last week, I listened by phone to a woman whose beloved
sister died of COVID-19 in a distant country. This tenderhearted woman lovingly and extensively talked about memories of
her Sister, what she would miss. She wondered what she could do, not just to
assuage this life-altering change for herself, but also for her Sister’s
family. She talked about being mad at God and not finding any solace in prayer.
The loss was overwhelming.
Here are some of the coping mechanisms we talked about:
Grieve. Let grief take its course. Believers know that “The
souls of the just are in the hands of God. No torment shall touch them. They
are at peace. (Wisdom 1-2)” This belief coexists with our grief.
Eventually, call to mind the best gifts of character your
loved one possessed. Which one or two of these qualities would you like to
embody in your life, so that his/her gifts go on feeding the world with truth,
beauty and goodness? Ask your loved one’s family members to do this as well. And relish what each survivor has chosen.
If you have a gift that your loved one has given you,
however insignificant, use it, put it out where you can see it, carry it with
you…whatever seems appropriate.
And if you can’t pray, say to God, “I can’t pray!” That in
itself is a prayer.
People, in deep concern for us, often say things they think
will help. “God doesn’t give us more than we can take.” “God leads us to what
we fear most, to show us we have nothing to fear.” “God held your loved one
close even as (s)he died.” All true, but not helpful at the time of our deepest
grief. All we can do is grieve and wait until we emerge from the immediacy of
the pain. Sometimes the cloud will lift once and for all, and we can go on.
Sometimes the cloud lifts but keeps coming back to haunt us at unexpected
times.
But just as your beloved was not alone in death, but was being held lovingly by God, so too with you. You, in your grief, are being held by God, your family and friends. Give God your helplessness.
~Sister Joan Sobala
